NVC retreat Notes

Requests - either for action or connection/empathy
for a positive action, doable, something in the present, specific, and open to a no response, needs to be a request rather than a demand

Practice a remembering - a settling in, practicing gratitude, remembering the heart

Asking for empathy - would anyone here be willing to take a walk with me and help me figure out what I need?

Q - How to rock the boat without drowning everybody!
Q - How to negotiate needs without compromise - curing ‘nicitis.’

Connecting with someone: connected to self first, out of head into heart. Head can be a point of departure and of leaving the present.

Self-connection - What’s alive now? Stop and breathe. Practice sitting with my needs, naming feelings and needs first.
Learn to be curious about what’s happening - make this a discovery!
Compassion is to be with the pain and suffering.

With NCV we are learning a new language. This will feel stilted at the beginning, doesn’t feel natural.

Observation
Feelings
Needs
Requests

Needs - connected to my aliveness, being connected to the vital life energy of self
Requests - to meet needs, together moving towards vitality - we are interdependant.

Deep universal needs; to matter, to belong, have purpose and meaning.

Basic movements of feelings - Kinesthetic movements

anger moves forward
fear moves back
joy moves upward
sadness moves downward

There are faux feelings - violated, attacked, etc. Feelings ending often in ‘ed’. All have blame or an extension of cause of feeling.
I feel you...
I feel like...
I feel that...

Feelings are not caused by another person. The other person is a stimulus for a feeling.
Feeling is feedback about needs met or not met. (or sometimes both?)

Observation, judging -morals or values. Is it about what is a choice for me? or what someone or somebody ‘should’ do?

Kelly - Give 100% of what i want 100% of the time - especially if it creates conflict.
You can pause and not speak when you need to.
I want if you’re willing.
No need to compromise needs ever - you may need to change your strategy for meeting that need though!
We are developing a language of needs rather than solutions.

Rules for living in his house:
Nobody is allowed to ‘give in’ ... ever!
No ‘have too’s’

Both of these save us from resentment.

Learn to differentiate between a shift and a compromise.

Babylonians are power teachers... excuse me, excuse me, i’m really feeling kind of quiet tonight.... I’m really feeling tense right now

We can always clean up messes later! ... if you need to take care of yourself - baby giraffe!

Does your hand feel heavy picking up the phone? Then don’t!

Adult giraffe way will empathize first, then tell truth and take care of self.

1 - bring it back to life,... “I’m worried if you’re feeling lonely and want to talk with me...
2 - redirect with my truth
3 - hear and assert my need honestly

You can be ‘not nice’ in a nice way. Don’t let it go too long or it becomes bullshit.

Violence = coercion
Difference in intention - to be heard rather than to control.
healthy community - everyone get’s their needs met
Often a person in the most pain dominates.

Interrupt a babylonian to connect, then to redirect (my needs) use a direct action language request

would you be willing to tell me what you think this is about for me?

differentiate between an intention and an agreement

Ask for empathy from the group (even if you’re a leader) - Would you help me sort out what’s going on?

I’d like to hear what others are feeling about what I just said.

Single-mindedness of purpose will kill all empathy and connection (this also applies to holding on to one particular strategy)

Book: unconditional parenting by alphie cohen

Never do something to prevent someone from freaking out - negative control!

When you’re emotional, etc, get empathy from anyone else, not the source of the difficult feelings. empathy doesn’t have to come from the source - may even be better sometimes if it’s not - no power differential there.

If i feel a charge then get empathy first.

In this way you can separate your need for empathy from your need for action.

THis also helps to clear the enemy images you have before making any requests.

When practicing empathy with someone, focus on the last piece that was said. Everything else they have already proccessed!

Any time you are judgemental, see if you can make a shift to curiousity about it.

“Is there a good reason to hold onto that story?”
“Can you drop down into your heart with that and feel...”

Sarcasm is an unconscious attempt for empathy (as is all ‘negative’ expressions? Judgement, etc.?)

Practice remembering first thing in the morning for centering.

Using Grok cards;
a need for empathy or celebration
Deal:
tell a story - everyone else listens - no comments
then ask questions using needs cards: Are you needing....? Teller doesn’t comment...
Then teller reflects at end, again no comments

Can be used as a personal practice in the morning to check in or at the end of the day.

STreet giraffe - be clear with intention, intention is the most important, be transparent, take care of needs, also harmony with others needs, no blame.
Street Giraffe draws me towards you, Jackal pushes people away.
(this can be practiced with participants moving physically in response to their feelings - good kinesthetic exercise)

Don’t respond to a need, energy to defend - wait until it settles down.

Don’t have to know the strategy before hand - let it go! From connection flows direction - always!
With NVC - everyone’s needs get met. no ‘have-too’s or giving in.
No hiding your needs in/as acknowledging their needs.

Don’t ask with ‘kick-me please’ energy! No apology for expressing your needs! My asking you is a gift! AKA - Santa claus.

Agenda is a win/win for both - allow shift to happen.
Clarify the intention first, don’t have to know the details.

“I am an ecstatic, compulsize creator in this situation.

Is my intent to connect or correct? If it’s to correct, then I need empathy first!

Am I trying to get them to connect with me or get me to connect with them?

Nevere give even an inch on your needs and be super-creative and open with your strategies!

No hurry to move to a solution.

Need to suspend strategies.

Unexpressed fear looks like agression. Speak the first!

Before any connection/communication - spend an hour aligning myself with great-fold-ness. Make sure your joy account is full - bank account. (get empathy first!)

Feedback gives an increased sense of ‘aliveness’ - no particular feeling.

Intentional shifting - conscious creation

1 - pivoting - notice feeling - what would I prefer, what would I have to be thinking to feel that way? At each step, notice which thought feels better.

2 - pick a subject you have had a relationship with. Start to tweak it. (moving around a clock face in a circle.

ie - I’m not healthy,

start tweaking this statement a little bit at a time, tuning the energy with each step and listening to the body to see which statements feel better, tweak it each time

3 - kick my butt, any butts that get into the statement/vision, get it out

learn to allow it to come.

Synergy or shift always comes when you stay with the process- NVC

There’s nothing more important than how you are feeling right now. What you have, your body, is your ever present feedback point.

“There’s no such thing as a happy ending to a miserable journey.”

Rosenberg - The essence of spirituality... “move toward the fun.”

power over/power under - usual options are to freeze, flee, or fight. play each one with another partner, playing all the parts briefly with a physical (non-violent ) interaction. Notice, which one is easy for you, which one more difficult?
Then shift to power with, as from aikido. Approach the other with your energy, whatever it is, anger, excitement, etc., first join with and walk with, then begin to steer and add personal intent. and redirecting. Play with other variations of this.

Connection modalities allow feedback = relationship

Don’t say “your right” automatically - this means “I’m wrong” You can say I’m sorry.

Can change to “I appreciate that, I value that...”

Faux feelings (I am victimized) are often an attempt to regain power - staying in power. Even if it appears to be taking the ‘lower’ position, it is often really the power over position.

Raise your hand if you can hear my voice?